Amish In The Airport, Failed Card Cheats, And My Imaginary Mail-Order Bride

Not long ago, I made an airport run to pick-up Paloma. As much as I loathe flying, I love airports.

Part of the allure of airports to me is the sense of possibility. One minute you’re here and, in a given amount of time, you can be somewhere else – possibly somewhere far, far away. It’s why I used to always keep my passport on hand.

However, it is the sheer human circus and the kinetic energy contained at airports which is also very appealing. This was immediately apparent as I sat near the baggage claim, trying to discern the difference, if any, between the flight designation “landed” and “arrived.” (although, it would seem impossible, as well as undesirable, to land before arriving).

A small group, seemingly a family, passed my position. They appeared to be Amish.

I mean, based on what I’d seen in the movie Witness, they certainly fit the description. The women wore simple, ankle-length frocks and bonnets. The lone man, an older fellow, was sporting suspenders, a straw hat and wore his facial hair in the style of a beard sans moustache. He certainly looked like a Jedidiah or Ezekiel.

Of course, when I think of the Amish, I think of churning butter, pies, and raising the occasional barn. I do not think air travel.

Something else that caught my attention was the rather uncomfortable-looking footwear I repeatedly saw rather stylish women wearing. Snowshoes could be all the rage for all I know (although, I’d like to think I’d notice), but these women were wearing what I would describe as wooden shoes.

Wooden shoes? Is this something that the Dutch are behind? Do they hate Americans because we are free and, to retaliate, have chosen to dupe women into wearing ill-fitting footwear, leading them to be irritable and, thus, creating friction between the sexes and undermining our way of life?

My observations were leaving me with far more questions than insights.

Suddenly, a dodgy, little fellow sat down next to me. His twitchy demeanor, bushy moustache, and shifty eyes made me think that he would cheat at cards (and not well, at that). He quickly struck up a conversation that I really didn’t want to have, finally inquiring as to whether I was waiting for someone.

“My mail-order bride is arriving,” I told him.

“Mail-order bride?” The dodgy, unsuccessful card cheat had the nifty habit of repeating, as a question, almost everything I said. Perhaps he was a failed Jeopardy contestant.

“Yeah. She’s coming here from Macadamia.”

“Macadamia?”

“You’ve heard of Macadamian nuts?”

“Yeah.”

“Her homeland is where 98% of all Macadamian nuts are grown,” I said.

“Aren’t Macadamian nuts from Hawaii?”

“Those are Hawaiian Macadamian nuts. Big difference.”

“Have you ever met her?” my new friend asked.

“Who?”

“Your mail-order bride?”

“Paloma? No. We’ve exchanged a lot of e-mails, though, and I know she likes butter.”

“Butter?” He furrowed his brow. “Ever seen her picture?”

“No.”

His expression grew more quizzical. “Well, how will you know her?”

“She’ll be wearing the native, ceremonial headdress of her country.”

Paloma arrived and we greeted each other with a hug. We walked off, holding hands, quite possibly leaving the failed card cheat under the impression that somewhere there is a distant land called Macadamia whose women like butter and a baseball cap with a cartoon monkey is considered ornate head ware.

Drive-By Truckers – Shut Up And Get On The Plane
from Southern Rock Opera

Nanci Griffith – Outbound Plane
from The MCA Years: A Retrospective

Peter, Paul And Mary – Leaving On A Jet Plane
from The Best of Peter, Paul and Mary: Ten Years Together

M.I.A. – Paper Planes
from Kala

We Have How Many Copies Of Pat Benatar's Precious Time?

This whole election here in the States has, unfortunately, sucked more mental energy, time and morale from me than necessary the past several weeks. I don’t know if women can any longer accuse men of not understanding what it’s like to go through labor. It’s been exhausting for anyone following these political antics.

But Close Encounters Of The Third Kind is providing me some seriously needed escapism as has sifting through the albums Paloma and I have gathered since we started buying vinyl a mere four months ago.

To my surprise, I realize that there is all kinds of stuff that we’ve snagged of which I’ve already lost track. We have gone from zero albums to 800 or so at an unmaintainable speed. I mean, when did I buy a copy of Robert Plant’s Pictures At Eleven?

I do know the details as I’ve logged it into a database (and one which I suspect some people reading this would find to be woefully under detailed – though my own need for details makes me wonder if I should be concerned).

And the realization that we haven’t listened to so much of what we’ve acquired is surprising. But, by my quick estimation I suspect it would have required us to listen six hours a day – every day – over the past four months to have actually listened to everything.

Maybe I need to make a list of albums I really want to listen to which have gotten lost in the shuffle. (Sparks’ In Outer Space, I’m looking at you).

And so many of the artists and titles now have extra significance. The mere mention of Split Enz will forever be associated with Paloma who, in a fit of her enthusiasm which I adore, purchased ten albums of the Kiwis (at least for now, she regrets it – “The members of Split Enz don’t even have as many Split Enz albums as we do.”).

Of course, my ability to continue buying copies of Pat Benatar albums we already own is a source of amusement to her (or maybe it’s dismay).

So, since thinking about music and things such as these is much more pleasant than letting the election suck all of the oxygen from my head. here’s simply some stuff…

Robin Gibb And Marcy Levy – Help Me!
Times Square soundtrack

I considered this a steal when I snagged this one (and in good condition) for three bucks. It has to go on the list with the Sparks’ album I mentioned.

I remember seeing the movie late one night on a local station when I was about twelve or thirteen. I have no doubt that when Same Old Scene by Roxy Music played during the opening scenes it was the first time I had ever heard the band. The double album soundtrack also includes a slew of notable acts from the period – Talking Heads, The Pretenders, Ramones, Joe Jackson, Patti Smith…

And a duet between one of the Brothers Gibb (Robin) and Marcy Levy (who, at one-time, was a member of Eric Clapton’s band and was later – as Marcella Detroit – one half of Shakespears Sister).

Harry Nilsson – Spaceman
Harry Nilsson Greatest Hits

There has always been a lot of love for Harry Nilsson among friends who were passionate about music, and I’ve known the lore of Nilsson being one of John Lennon’s partners in crime during his “lost weekend.” I didn’t know that he was a favorite of the members of The Beatles and, supposedly, was considered as a possible member at one time.

And, until I put on the album, I didn’t realize how much of his music I actually knew. Listening to his greatest hits was a revelation – simply wonderful stuff. Spaceman was one such “unknown” known track to me (I immediately remembered it being used in the movie Contact) and the strings – courtesy of the legendary Paul Buckmaster -remind me of T. Rex’ Children Of The Revolution.

Lindsay Buckingham – Johnny Stew
Lindsay Buckingham Law And Order

It so happens that as I finish this entry on this Sunday morning, Lindsay Buckingham is appearing on a morning talk show (it’s what inspired me to throw a song of his into this disconnected mix).

Paloma and I have purchased a lot of Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and been continually amazed at how consistently good they are. Stevie Nicks has no shortage of devotees (and deservedly so), but, for my money, Lindsay is the post-Peter Green genius of the outfit (and an often demented one at that).

Karla DeVito – Cool World
Karla DeVito Is This A Cool World Or What?

I snagged this album for a dollar after repeatedly seeing copies and knowing only that Devito replaced Ellen Foley as Meat Loaf’s duet partner on Paradise By The Dashboard Light. It was worth it if only for the near title track – a very ’80s track and certainly the only song in the history of man to reference both Jimi Hendrix and basketball great Moses Malone.

Cool World reminds me of how much of the music of the early ’80s was like some goofy, technicolor cartoon. Maybe dopey and maybe dated, it’s still infectious fun (something that seems to be missing from a lot of music post-grunge).

This album would be Devito’s sole release and she would later marry actor/director Robbie Benson.